


Heartache

by Strangertd



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: M/M, Sad, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 15:38:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17810759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strangertd/pseuds/Strangertd
Summary: Darren is getting married.Chris can’t take it.





	Heartache

**Author's Note:**

> At the speculations that today is the day, I wrote some stuff that falls in line with all my other cc fics. 
> 
> The one I never wanted to write.

It’s hard relearning how to be alone after all these years. I thought that I had found my forever. I thought I was safe, and that nothing could come between us. Sure we had less than ideal circumstances, but we were in love…. or so I believed. 

The night we broke up was full of screaming and crying, heartache and hurt. We’d had this conversation before, before he’d won all the awards and let it inflate his ego. Before he lost himself to the prospect of fame. 

I guess he forgot about me, and everything that we went through together. I guess he forgot about promising to share his life with me. I guess he forgot that he loved me. And god, no matter what he’s put me through, I still love him. I shouldn’t… but I do. If you spent 8 years of your life devoted to someone, it’d be hard to just let them go, but I had to. For my own good. 

I had warned him. I told him that if he went through with a wedding that I would leave him. I told him that I refused to watch him marry someone else. 

When he came to me that fateful evening in January, sat me down on the couch and held my hand and told me, “Chris… I have to do it. I have to marry her. I have no other choice…” things quickly broke down. 

My hands and toes went completely numb, and all I could hear was the blood rushing through my veins. My worst fear had come true. He chose fame over me. I was frozen. How are you supposed to react when your lover of eight years tells you that he’s giving you up for money and social status? 

“Chris? Are you okay?” I couldn’t bring myself to answer. “Sweetheart, you know I still love you. I love you more than anything in thi-“

“Bullshit.” His grip on my hands tightened. 

“Wh- what?” I ripped my hands out of his hold and finally let the dam break. Acidic tears flowed from my eyes and I was shaking with the force of my emotions.

“Bull. Fucking. Shit. Don’t you dare fucking tell me you love me when you clearly don’t.” Cooper seemed to sense that all hell was going to break loose, and he trekked off to the safety of my office. 

“Chris… I do love you. I just- this is for my career.” I choked out a sob. Of fucking course. I knew he’d say that. His career seems to be all he can think about, yet he always forgets that I have a career too. I’ve made sacrifices in my career just for him, and he doesn’t even care. 

“Fuck you. You don’t get to tell me you love me when you’re agreeing to marry someone that isn’t me.”  
He got a pleading look in his eyes, his pout always used to always be my weakness, but now I find myself immune. He’s broken me down enough- delivered disappointment after disappointment- that now I’m numb to his sympathy tactics. 

“Chris. That’s not what this is about. I…” He looked around the room as he tried to keep his tears in. “I want to have a family with you and grow old with you I just.. this is something that I have to do.” I scoffed and stood up, crossed my arms and paced on the floor in front of him. 

“You don’t get it. Do you? How would you feel if you had to sit on the couch at home while I took Will to every single event, holding hands with him and kissing him every minute. How would you feel if I talked about him all the time in interviews while you sat at home reading article after article about how amazing our love life is. 

“Just imagine how you would feel if we got engaged and I spent a year bragging about how lovely and amazing my fiancé was while my real lover sat at home!”

“Chris, I-“

“Imagine, I sat you down on the couch, and told you I’m fucking marrying him. You’d feel like shit, wouldn’t you?” I glanced over at him on the couch, and his tears were falling freely now. “I love you, Dare, but I told you. If you get married, I’m not sticking around to watch it.”

He sat there and looked down, averting his gaze from mine and just fumbled with his own hands. He was visibly shaking and his skin was losing its color. “Chris, I… I’m really sorry. I know you’ve told me plenty of times that if I marry her you’re out…”

I raise my eyebrows. “So…?” He meets my eyes with a pained look. 

“It's just that I resigned my contract for another year. Ryan’s new project is going to be great for me. I really don’t have a choice in not marrying her.” I stare at him in disbelief. 

“So that’s it then? You’re choosing your career over me?”

“That’s not what-“

“Yes it is. Your contract was over. We could have been out by the end of this year. You signed it again with the goal of another show and more fame knowing damn well that if you did, you would have to get married. You made this choice, and I came in second to your career.”

The room was silent then. The feeling was uneasy as we just stared at each other. He hadn’t moved from his spot on the couch, and I was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, not wanting to be close to him. 

“Sweetheart, I…” he finally began. “I've dedicated 8 years to you. We’ve done so much together. Trips and award parties. Our parents love each other, and our siblings too. We have so many plans for the future, Chris. I mean, having a kid together? Growing old together? I- I can’t live without you.”

“You should have thought about that then before casting me- your family- aside in favor of your career.” I snapped at him, and he furrowed his brows at me. 

“Chris… you would do the same thing.”

“No. I wouldn’t. If I had to stop production on my movie just to save our relationship: I would have, even if it is my life’s dream. You’ve always been my number one priority in life. I just wish I was the same for you.”

“You are…” he urged, finally standing from his spot on the couch to walk over toward me. He held my hand between his and played with my fingers. “You are the best thing in my life…”

“How am I supposed to believe that when you’re marrying someone else in a few weeks?” I asked, and at this point, we were both crying freely. I wanted nothing more than to stay with Darren. Hell, it’s what I still want. 

He was silent, still playing with my hand in his as he pondered through his thoughts. Of course I want him to have a successful career, but he doesn’t need Ryan or Ricky or his team to do that. He’s an Emmy winner. He could have any team he wants. He doesn’t have to stay with his closeting team- and he knows this. 

“I know it’s not what you want, but…. Just one more year. I’ll marry her. We’ll lead up to a divorce. Everything will be okay. I will always be devoted to you. Just wait one more year,” he pleaded, his face resembling that of a kicked puppy. 

I closed my eyes and breathed in a slow, shaky breath. I had a choice to make. I love Darren, and of course I want to be with him always. But I can’t stand to watch him marry someone else. I have to protect my own heart. 

“I…” god this is going to be impossible to say. “I love you. I do and I always will, I just… I can’t do this.” I take a steadying breath and try to ignore his hurt look. “Look, if in a year you’re finally out and gone from your team for good, then by all means, come find me and I’ll gladly welcome you back with open arms. 

I will not, however, stand by and wait at home while you’re off parading around your wife. It’s gotten to the point where the stress from it all is affecting my work- because I have a career too, you know.”

He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand before grabbing mine again. “Is that really what you want?”

“It’s not what I want, but that’s my choice. I love you and I want to be with you- but not while you’re with her. Not while you have to wear a ring on that finger without it being mine. It was hard enough watching you call her your fiancée, it’s going to kill me to see you calling her your wife.”

“So.. what do you want me to do?” This was the part I was looking forward to the least. The part that solidified it all. Made it real. 

“I think you should pack your stuff and go…” his face broke and I had a hard enough time talking steady. “I don’t want it to be this way but I just… I can’t live like that, D. When you’re out and free then god, by all means come back if I’m still what you want but… as long as you’re with her, I can’t be with you. Not like this.”

We both stood in silence for a moment, just holding hands and crying. My heart felt like it was crumpled up in my chest, holding onto the good memories for dear life. My head was screaming, and all it could do was reply the bad- the screaming and fighting, the broken door seconds after I found out about this god forsaken wedding in the first place. 

“If that’s what you really want then… of course I’ll go. I promise, you’re always what I want. Even if you don’t believe so… I just- I really hope someday we can find our way back to one another.” He said through shaky tears. I nodded. 

“Yeah. Me too.” 

After that we went to sleep, sharing that bed for the last time for a long while- or maybe even forever. I didn’t really do much sleeping that night, and I don’t think Darren did either. I was still in disbelief that my life was making such a vast change. It still hasn’t quite set in yet. 

The next morning, Darren left. He came back later with some boxes and a uhaul attached to the back of his car. He packed up all his clothes from the closet and drawers. Packed up his awards. Packed up his things from the various rooms. Packed up his guitars. Told me to keep his piano as it would be too difficult to move, and he could just get a new one anyways. 

By that evening, all of his things were gone. I walked him outside. He gave me one last hug, and I held on for dear life. He slipped something into my pocket, and it wasn’t until I got into our- my room, looking at the bare closet that I pulled it out and realized it was one of the various rings I had gotten him. This one was always my favorite, too. It was a birthday present for his 29th, with gorgeous detailing around the circumference. 

I put the ring on and sighed, trying not to let the heavy weight of the day crush me beyond repair. I peeled off my clothes and climbed into our- no, no…. my bed, and stared at the ceiling until hours later, I finally fell asleep. 

That was weeks ago. Now, the day has come, and I’m feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Despite knowing that I shouldn’t be, I check social media often. Chord is out there. Harry too. Even Lea. These people are my friends, but I can’t help feeling a little hurt, even if I know most of it is for publicity anyways. 

I still haven’t quite learned how to be alone, which is sort of surprising to me. I’ve always done better alone. Even when Darren and I were together, he would be gone most nights or days while I stayed home and worked. It shouldn’t be this hard to be alone, but every day since he’s left, I’ve felt like I’ve been suffocating.

As the day presses on, I just get more and more anxious. I’ve bitten most of the skin off from around my nails- an old bad habit that I’ve had beat for a while, that hasn’t quite surfaced until recently- and I can’t relax or even focus on any of my work. 

At 6pm, Ashley barges into my house with at least 4 bottles of liquor and all I can think is- bless that woman. We get dirt drunk and watch movies, and she’s hid my phone somewhere so I can’t check it obsessively anymore. I’m not quite sure where it is, but I’m sure I’ll find it when I’m sober. 

We pass out in the living room, and I’m sure that when I wake up tomorrow, everything will set in. I’ll be hungover, shuffling to the kitchen to take aspirin and shut the blinds. While Ash is still asleep, I’ll look for my phone. I’ll probably have texts from friends and family asking how I am or if I’ve seen. I’ll get curious and look it up. 

I’ll probably cry again, and when Ashley wakes up, she’ll take my phone from me again. She’ll find another way to distract me and try to make it all better. She’ll probably take me out to a club or something to keep my mind off of it all, and coerce me into getting drunk again. 

Weeks from now I’ll still be learning to be alone. Learning how to live without him. No doubt I’ll drown myself in my work, but that’s okay. I’ll get things done, and Ashley will always be there to save me when I go too deep. 

I’ll still see updates on Darren’s life in articles online. I won’t be able to keep myself from reading them, a somber feeling filling me up. It’ll still hurt and I’ll get drunk, and ignore the guys hitting on me because deep down I don’t want anyone else. I just want him. 

At night I’ll dream of his amber eyes. I’ll dream of the day he’s finally free. He’ll run back to my door, apologize profusely and tell me he’s here to stay. I’ll ponder, and each dream will have a different outcome. Will I welcome him back with open arms? Will I be hesitant to let him in? Will I tell him I’ve moved on with someone new? No.. I’m not sure if I could. At least not so soon. An 8 year relationship requires more healing time. 

Even in my drunk, fitful sleep, images of him in his tux and her in her gown haunt my dreams. Cooper still wonders where he’s gone. Fitz too. My dream reminds me of this. 

I will never be over this man. I’ll try to, but I will never forget the hurt he’s caused. In the same way, I’ll never forget the good times we’ve had, willing that time goes faster and things go my way so I can have him back in my arms, free from anyone else and devoted only to me. Maybe that’s selfish. I don’t care. 

God, I’m still drunk. I need to allow myself to just sleep. Push him out of my dreams. Just… sleep.


End file.
